Rain
by Shissuru Urufu
Summary: A very angsty Renji musing over his relationship with Byakuya. Rated T for bad language and angsty OoCness. ByakuyaRenji


Okay guys, you really gonna have to forgive me for this one. I know Renji is nowhere near this angsty in canon and Byakuya's not that much of a bastard but the story just slipped out. Please don't flame me because you think they're OoC. I _know_ they are OoC. I also have to apologise for how much this story rambles. It kinda wanders around the main point quite a bit, and gets off track at times. It's Renji's thoughts basically, so it's partly due to how conscious thought stream works. This has also been posted without betaing, which doesn't help matters. I'll repost once my beta gets back from her holiday. Until then, please be forgiving.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. It wouldn't be half as popular as it is if I had written it.

Reviewing is appreciated, as is constructive criticism. You will be toasted on a spit over your own review if you flame me. You have been warned.

Now, enjoy.

Byakuya is his Captain. He has the authority and his power was something to be frightened of. As vice captain Renji is inferior in all ways, and he knows it. Byakuya ensures that he knows it ever day. If he chooses to rebel, his captain will quietly but absolutely cut him back down to the size Renji should be in his eyes. He doesn't need Senbonzakura to manage it, though Renji bears enough thin scars from that blade to thank whatever gods are listening that he doesn't see fit to use the sword.

The Captain has his needs, much as he masks them better than other shinigami, and the control he exerts over his vice captain leads him to turn to Renji when he requires relief from these needs. He knows Renji cannot, will not, say no. He's caught his inferior watching him more than once, and Renji knows that he's been caught. When the message appears on his desk, ordering him to meet his Captain at an unfamiliar apartment (certainly not at the Kuchiki residence; unsavoury practises are not to be held under that roof) he's only half surprised. And yes, he can't say no.

Sex with the Captain is as ordered as everything else in his life. He turns up at the appointed time, Byakuya orders him to do whatever the Captain wants with him (and that means anything; there is no low that Renji won't sink to in pleasing his Captain) and as soon as they're finished he's expected to get dressed and leave. Every night. The Captain's never run out of new ways to fulfil himself with the inferior officer, and Renji's never said no, no matter how rough it gets, how much pain is involved on his part.

Even so, he can see the effect that that acceptance of his circumstances is having on him. He sees it when he looks in the mirror, and the tattoos stand out harshly against his skin, often marked by an over rough grasp and sharp nails. When the weight begins to fall away, and his ribs are shadowed that little bit too clearly; the shadows beneath his eyes growing to highlight the fatigue he doesn't want others to see. When he can't find a clean hakama that isn't torn by his nightly outings.

The fact is, despite all of this, he loves the Captain. Love is a foreign feeling for him. Love is that fluttery feeling he gets in his chest every time he sees his Captain, the one that makes him wonder if he's dying. The feeling that makes him wonder what a kiss feels like, because it looks soft and beautiful like he imagines this funny feeling should be, if it didn't make him slightly nauseous. That isn't what this is though. This is lust. This is like the string of one night stands with strangers as drunk as he, picked up at one of the bars he frequents. Mutual use; mutual relief. Byakuya won't kiss him; the Captain won't even meet his eyes. His heart tells him that that's enough. Being his Captain's relief is enough, even if he doesn't know what a kiss feels like, even if that fluttery feeling is starting to hurt.

However, he's a proud creature, and his pride, his spirit, will not stand for the abuse he puts his body through at the hands of his Captain, no matter what his heart may say. And so the strain builds on him, an increasing weight upon his shoulders; his heart pretending it doesn't know what he's doing, pretending that this is actually what he wants, while his spirit rails against it. The spirit is strong but his heart is weak, and it's his heart that's kept him going back at his Captain's beck and call no matter how much it hurts. And it does hurt. It hurts his spirit every day that he receives the message, written in that familiar hand, and it hurts his heart when he's ordered from Byakuya's quarters as soon as his Captain's tired of him. His head hurts and his heart hurts, and the fluttery feeling's making him feel ill.

Being the man that he is though, he smiles through the stress for the sake of those who ask after his health, grins in that open way that he has when Rukia expresses worry for him, though his heart isn't in it. He works hard for them, because for them to know what he really is, the true weakness, the inferiority, hidden behind false strength; for them to know that would destroy him. Just another day and he won't have to act anymore. Each day he hopes will be the one when Byakuya doesn't throw him out, when they stay the night together and wake together in the morning. When Byakuya shows him what love is, because he's not really sure he's understood it right. He's based his life around that ideal, because without it he's nothing more than the Captain's slut.

But even Renji has his breaking point. He hasn't counted the days, exact time seems a bit irrelevant when your days are identical, but it's been long enough that he's starting to forget himself. His spirit's finally broken under the pressure and his hearts in tatters, leaving a trail of scraps behind him. The Captain's finished with him for that night, and he's stumbling in what he thinks is the direction of his own home, with mussed hair and torn robes.

He told the Captain "I love you" tonight. Somehow he's held onto that hope, despite what his head's already realised. The fluttering in his chest eased for a moment, even though he wasn't really sure what he meant when he said "I love you". He explained it as best he could, thinking, foolishly, that what he had with the Captain was something akin to love. His heart fooled him into believing that Byakuya thought of him beyond the body he satisfied his lust with. The look on his face was enough to rid him of that belief. Perhaps it had been that hope of something more that had kept Renji going as long as he had, but with that definitive answer, written across Byakuya's horrified face, it all came crashing down.

Whore.

And now he's wandering in the rain, marvelling at just how much it is possible for his heart to hurt. It's not a flutter anymore but a physical throb in his chest, out of time with the beat of his pulse. He shivers, unsure whether it's down to the chill of the rain on his skin, or the poison he's pouring into himself with that title, repeating ad infinitum inside his skull.

Whore. Whore. Whore.

Shameless slut, running back to the Captain whenever he calls. Whipped, that's what you are. You'll take whatever love you can get, even if it's just a meaningless fuck. Hell, even prostitutes get paid for their services. You do it for free. He can take whatever he wants from you, and you'll just keep giving until there's nothing left of you; and even then, you'll keep giving. You'll do anything to make him notice you. Desperate, brazen whore.

The rain's falling harder. He's sure his clothes are soaked. His hair's fallen in his eyes, plastered to his face, so now he can't even see. It doesn't really matter. He's not sure where he's going. He can't remember where his home is; Byakuya's appalled face is all that occupies him. And the vague hope that the rain will cleanse him, wash away the sins that make him feel so dirty.

Part of his mind tells him to pull himself together; he's in a public area and he doesn't want to be seen like this. That thought is as vague as his hopes though, and the downpour quickly scours it away along with everything else. He's pared down to the bone, and he realises that there is very little left underneath. Except fear.

He's scared. He's scared that he doesn't know, and doesn't care, where the hell he's going. He's scared of that dirty feeling that just won't go away, no matter how much rain falls. And he's scared of the fear itself. Because the fear that's lurking there, deep as his bones, is not the fear of death that should be there, the fear inherent in all creatures. It's a fear of life, fear of living beyond that point he'd built his life up to, the "I love you" he didn't really understand, that had been the foundations he'd built this ridiculous lie around. Without that to hold him up, to reassure him that he was not just some unpaid fuckbuddy for the higher ups, he's afraid to live. He doesn't want to be the whore, but he's played the part and now he's paying the price.

Something trips his feet and sprawls him on the ground. It's slick beneath his skin, tiny particles of gravel biting into his face. It anchors him in the now, and he clings to that feeling when he finds himself unwilling to muster the strength to rise. He'll lie here and freeze to death in the rain, anchored to a life he's afraid of by the feeling of dirt, rather than the love he had hoped so desperately for. There's something appropriate in that which almost draws a smile from him; almost.

He drifts away to the soothing splash of rain around him, the numbing chill spreading through him, and bizarre speculation about how much paperwork will pile up on his desk when he doesn't show up for work tomorrow. And who will keep the Captain happy if he doesn't...

"Renji!" He comes back to himself to the sound of a familiar voice. He thinks that's his name, but he can't be sure, and he's just so cold...

"Renji!" He tries to open his eyes, see who's calling him, that familiar voice (Rukia?), but his eyelids might as well be made of lead. The rest of him too. He's a statue of lead, frozen by the rain. And the lethargy is so comforting he wants to go back to sleep...

"Wake up you idiot! You have no excuse to be snoozing out here!" That one's different. It railed at him harshly, with rough hands to match, chaffing his skin. He remembers a name, but it's as vague as his own, as blurred as whoever Rukia is. "Shit, he's cold." curses the voice, and they pull him from his patch of reality, take the dirt he's been clinging to from him; his comfort.

"Come on man, wakey wakey. You're gonna have one hell of a cold from sleeping out in the rain." The light tone falls flat. He doesn't want to listen to that happy voice; happy has no right to be around him right now. The callused hands are harsh on his cool skin and the crushing warmth of two someone elses is irritating. He doesn't want to wake up, because if he wakes up he's the whore again, and he doesn't want to be. If he stays asleep then he can be no one.

After that they fade out again. He can hear them shouting, the fear becoming more evident as they fade slowly away. He knows he cared before, he worked hard to make them believe he was happy when he wasn't but now he hasn't the strength to make it work. He's being selfish for once, and he lets the frantic voices peter out while he listens to the rain. The rain will wash him away; cleanse him of himself until he isn't Renji the whore anymore, until he isn't even Renji...

"Open your eyes." It's not a request, it's an order; and he obeys. His Captain looks back at him, fuzzy and indistinct. He's suddenly, horribly awake and aware of the numbness in his limbs, the overwhelming chill coursing through him as his Captain's eyes silently rebuke him. "You should know better." Byakuya says, and his eyes are sad, though Renji cannot understand why. He desperately wants, needs to say something, but his mind will not fashion a coherent sentence, and his mouth's too numb to speak it anyway.

His heart's thudding painfully again, and it's making his eyes hurt. He hopes the rain will mask it or he'll see that disgusted look on his Captain's face, disgust at his weakness, and that will shatter him now that he's already broken. In the back of his mind he's aware of that nasty warmth again, too hot for his chilled body and that just makes his eyes hurt more.

Byakuya's holding him; arms around his frozen form and carrying him away from his resting place in the rain. His head's resting against that priceless scarf, and it's soft on his cheek.

Vaguely he's aware of the teas coursing down his face; stupid, itchy salt that makes his eyes burn. He doesn't even know why he's crying, but something's hurting, hurting so badly that it's all he can do not to cry out with the pain. It's a good pain. He doesn't care that he's a whore; that his Captain doesn't really want him, because for that moment Byakuya is holding him and nothing else matters. His heart's so happy it's breaking again and he just wants to die, right in that moment, as it's the happiest he'll ever be. He clings to Byakuya with all the strength he has left and prays for the moment to last.

And his Captain doesn't let go. Renji's weak as a new born kitten, clinging to him and sobbing like a child, talking all these ridiculous incoherencies about love, and Byakuya holds him. Despite his weakness, despite his being soiled, despite the abominable error he made earlier in the night. Byakuya's still holding on to him.

And maybe that's enough to keep Renji holding on too.

Gods, that ending was really crap. Apologies readers, I'll be more in character next time around.

R & R please.


End file.
